Too little, too late.

My eyes are drooping and it feels like they’re not going to stay open for a while. I haven’t had a decent sleep in days. I close my eyes wondering if I’m ever going to get one. Then, I wake up 2 hours later and realize that the cycle repeats.

It really doesn’t help that I’m sick with a cold and my nose is running constantly. The weird feeling is, I don’t even feel sick. I just feel really, really tired, that’s all. It’s what I’ve been feeling these past few weeks. Tired. It doesn’t help when you think and worry about someone constantly. I’m such a worry-wart. I worry about the safety of the people I love and care about. And now there’s one more person I have to worry about. Who you ask? Read down below and you’ll find out more.

I didn’t realize that its been 4 long months since I wrote on this blog. Lots of stuff happened in my life. Summer of ‘08 was officially over, I turned a quarter of a century old, I became mother to two more six-week old kittens (again), I am now starting to like (and maybe even love) my job and did I mention that I finally fell in love?  Such a weird feeling, love. How can a simple word turn out to be such a complication? I didn’t really choose to be in love, I guess it chose me at the right place in the wrong time. But I guess its true when they say, “Love comes when you least expect it.”

Let’s rewind back to August when I last blogged. I don’t even remember what I blogged about that day. Oh, the youtube madness? It’s over. My best friend John and I are so busy now we don’t even have time to shoot or make movies anymore. I kinda miss it since that was the only time we bonded. So, summer was officially over and I just realized that I did nothing but sit on my ass all summer long. Mostly all I did was sleep, eat, work, relax a little and then the process repeats. Kinda boring but I got busy because of work. Well part of my summer was exciting at least when we all took a trip up north to Door county back in June for my Mom and Dad’s 25th wedding anniversary.

I officially lost John temporarily when September rolled around as school started for college kids everywhere. He’s a nursing student you see, and being a college student sucks the life out of you. I don’t even know how those other college kids party on the weekends and then go back to school Monday mornings like nothing happened. Your social life becomes kaput and you’re just stuck reading, reviewing, studying etc. That’s basically what happened to him. And it didn’t help that he was only home on the weekends and we don’t see each other much. I missed him, and it was taking a toll on me. Then my birthday came around. It was the only thing I was looking forward to all month because I was celebrating my golden birthday. Turning 25 isn’t so bad, but when I think about all the stuff that I’ve been through all these years, I kinda got freaked out because turning 25 means the beginning of your late 20’s which will lead to turning 30. Gulp! To explain what having a golden birthday means, it is when the day of your birthday and the age that you’re turning are the same.  So I turned 25 on the 25th of September. A friend of mine told me that when you celebrate your golden birthday, your whole entire year after will be a good one. So far, it’s turning out to be a good one. I just hope it stays that way until September 2009.

October was a blur. I was actually starting to like my job because around Mid-September, one of my co-workers that I had a strong dislike because of the way she treats the residents/elders had quit because she found a job closer to her home. Long story short, she quit because she drives 20 minutes to work everyday and with the price of gas back then, she couldn’t afford it. If you read back, from a previous entry I blogged about another co-worker who admitted to me that she was bisexual, remember that one? The one that I chose not to name because of her privacy? Well, let’s name her E.

E took over the AM shift and she became full-time. I rarely see her before because she would work the PM shift and be gone by 7 and I’ll come at 10:30 to start my shift. It was a rare occasion that we worked on the same days together but when it happens, we like to catch up on things. And when she got transferred to the AM shift, we saw each other almost everyday. I got to know her a little better and things at work was becoming more pleasant, and relaxing. Gone was the tension and bitchiness and everyone was happier, including me. I would stay after just to help her out, and soon enough we started to become close friends. She trusted me with her problems and I trusted her with mine. She met my family soon enough when she came over my house one day to hang out. I even invited her to my birthday where she met John and the rest of my other friends. I clearly remember that night. It was her first time trying Japanese food and it was funny to see how she handled the chopsticks. It didn’t help that a soy sauce stain went on her pink shirt. I learned to know how pink was her favorite color, she was devastated when she lost her baby in a miscarriage, and that she was moving closer to our workplace so she doesn’t have to drive in the snow during the cold winter months.

My sister told me a couple weeks back, “You wanted to test the water before you swam in it, but you fell in way too deep”. I did fall for E alright. Hard, and fast. I found myself liking her more than a friend, and being happy for the first time in a long time. Surprisingly, I found myself liking to be at work longer which was unexpected since before I couldn’t wait to get out of there just so I can come home, be with my cats and sleep all day. I’ve kept this feeling hidden up until the last week of October, when I finally admitted it to her personally (which was painstakingly embarrassing to say the least) that I indeed liked her more than a friend. Her reaction surprised me because the last time I told someone I liked them, they ignored  me and never talked to me again.

I couldn’t believe that she felt the same way. I’m not really the greatest thing that you could look at but she said not only does she like me, she also respects me. After that day, we’ve been inseperable since. I know its hard for people to understand, and my sisters and John didn’t understand at first but we are friends, first and foremost. The only difference is that we like each other. Scratch that. Love each other more than friends that is. We have a weird relationship, she and I. We’ve had a couple of fights and argued about the stupidest things, but this much I know is true. I’ve never loved someone like I love her now. She really does make my heart smile. She is the reason I don’t sleep much because I worry about her a lot.

You might say, why fall for a married woman? The answer is, I really don’t know. She asked me that question one day, you know. She’s like, “why do you love me so much?” I couldn’t answer her. I really don’t know the answer. I just do. How many bisexual people do you know, man or woman, who isn’t married or committed? Zero. I might cry, get sad or get hurt so many times but I know that losing her in my life will be the biggest pain I’ll ever experience. Friend or not, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that day when I have to make that choice. That’s why even though I don’t want to think about the future, I find myself thinking ahead. How hypocritical of me considering I had told John that I’d rather live for the present than think of the future.

I don’t really know what the future holds for me, but I’m getting older and I still want to do a lot of things in my life. I feel like my life is on hold and all I can do is just sit and wait for it to get better. I look at my old classmates in high school and most of them are either college graduates, successful in their chosen careers, or are married and have families of their own. I shouldn’t feel jealous but in a way I do. But I know someday my time will come, but until then I’ll just live my life for now, just like I always did. I’ll be happy and content with what I have right now because I might not have a husband or a college degree but then I realize that I have a steady job, a loving family, wonderful friends and someone who loves me for me.

Crazy youtubers.

Sorry readers. I haven’t posted in a week. Lotsa stuff has been happening. Mostly work, second, life. Yes, I still have a life despite of keeping two blogs at the same time. And writer’s block attacked yet again. What are you gonna do right?

I think I’m gonna do this post short since I’m only going to promote my newest youtube channel. Yes, I’ve also jumped on the bandwagon of famous youtubers like chriscrocker, whatthebuck, and of course my two favorite asians on youtube, kevjumba & happyslip. Yes, I am a youtube addict I admit. There is a lot of stuff to watch on youtube. Heck I don’t even have to go on MTV just to watch a music video. It’s not like they play music videos. Mostly its just trashy reality shows like from G’s to Gents. I mean, who would watch that?

Well anyways back to the topic. I go to youtube just to pass time. But the people I find there oh man. Crazy. There’s these crazy lipsynchers or even singers that attempt to sing a Rihanna song. Not like they can do it but whatever. Some of these youtubers think of the craziest thing to put on their videos. Some are cute and some are just plain stupid. I just laugh some of them off. Even celebs are vlogging (video blogging) like Miley Cyrus and Jessica Alba.

So I have too jumped on the bandwagon. I told myself I wasn’t going to do it but my best friend John bought his flip video camera (well a copycat but close), we’ve been taking random videos. Our first one was at my sister Camille’s 22nd birthday. We decided to make a youtube channel based on our group, our minority. The people around us. Hence, the minority club. It was a collab between me and him, me being the video editor, and him being the director. This is our teaser for our channel. We will post new episodes every Thursday! If you stumble upon this blog, please subscribe!

Nobody wants to be lonely.

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. A simple line from a song of the same title, but it means everything. Nobody wants to be lonely. I know I don’t want to be. But how come everyone around me thinks that I do?

Last Sunday, John and I went to the County fair just because it was the last day and we haven’t been there yet. There wasn’t much to do so we just walked around the grounds. We had ice cream but it melted because of the hot sun. Despite of the pangs of hunger, and the different food that our noses were smelling, we skipped eating because we were broke and the food was expensive. We passed by a stand wherein there is a psychic that specializes in palm, tarot card & crystal ball readings. I remember my co-worker telling me about getting a tarot card reading from the same lady a few days back and she said everything she said about her was true. I just wanted to try and see, so I got a palm reading since the tarot card was five bucks more. John listened in as he was sitting right beside me and his turn was next.

Here’s a few of the things that the psychic told me about myself, my future and my present based on just reading my palm:

My life line was good, she said I will have a long life, but she said at the end of my lifeline, there is a blockage, a condition that might prevent me from living long.

I have never had or been in a serious relationship.

I recently lost someone (someone close to me) that is watching me at that very moment. She said that she is my guardian angel, and this person is trying to help me fix my life.

I am lonely.

Out of all those four things I mentioned, she was only right on one thing. What bothered me is that when she said I was lonely, John muttered, that’s true. Did I hear him right? Does my best friend really think I’m lonely? I certainly didn’t think I was lonely. Does it really show? I may look emo in some of my pictures but that doesn’t mean I really am emotional. Being a photographer, I like to see things in different perspective, and if that means taking a self-portrait emo picture, then so be it.
But lonely? I don’t think I am. I have the perfect example of a lonely person. I this other co-worker, let’s call her J. J works the 1st shift at my job. She lives alone, and she has family, but her family doesn’t like her because of her attitude and personality. She cries herself at night and feels sorry for herself because she’s all alone and she doesn’t have anybody. So this bitterness carries on when she comes to work, and bitches at or takes it out on the residents. Which she shouldn’t because she’s disrespecting them. Now, if I compare myself to her, I am not lonely at all.

I have family, and I have my best friend John. I have other friends that live out of state, but I have come in contact with or have seen them. I still have friends back in the Philippines. I have my cats whom I love and adore so much. They just make me happy when I’m not in the mood for anything. My heart might be lonely because I still haven’t found the right person to be with to start a relationship, but I am anything but lonely. I am content with my life. I may not be happy at times, but thats because I still feel that my life is still not in order, and when it is, maybe I’ll be okay. Until then I’ll think of myself as a content human being because hey, nobody wants to be lonely.

Writer’s block attacks.

I’m in a state of emptiness, or blankness if you will. I hold the pen in my hand and I try to find the words but I cannot write or express it as of this moment. Call it what you want but I simply call it writer’s block.

I am in the process of writing a new entry it might come up today or tomorrow depending on my mood, please be patient. In the meantime, my sister Jordan wants you to visit her blog. Call it shameless plug if you will. Pfft. I love shameless plugs.

Click here to visit her blog. Ciao readers. Until the next chapter of my life.

Bisexual and bicurious.

I went to work last night not expecting anything. I knew it was going to be another long night, and I was hoping one of our alzheimer’s residents won’t get up in the middle of night trying to look for his car keys or his car for that matter.

I was glad to see a co-worker of mine (I am with-holding her name for her privacy) that I liked talking to from time to time because we are around the same age and I feel like I don’t really have a friend at work that I can talk to about stuff because I deal with elder people everyday, my other co-workers are over 40 or 50, and my boss intimidates the heck out of me. I felt like I can talk to her about anything under the sun. This sometimes explains the mornings where I don’t get out of work until 7:30 am instead of an hour earlier because when she works, we get into these long conversations.

Anyways after she gave me an update/report on our residents aka elder people (sidenote: I work as a caregiver at an assisted-living facility), somehow our conversation ended up to her telling me how she admitted to her husband that she was in a relationship with a woman before they dated. She said she has never admitted this to anyone besides her husband, and another co-worker of ours. I was surprised, because she didn’t seem the type to be attracted to a woman, and it seemed like she loved her husband. She said she does love her husband, but she said she knew that she was bisexual 3 years ago when she came out to her friends, but not her family because she knew they would freak out. And here I am thinking to myself, this situation sounds familiar to me. Why? Because I too am bisexual.

I always get ticked off when people often compare being bisexual and bicurious as two similar things. I am glad for having Merriam Webster online. I couldn’t find bicurious there since they are two joined words so I opted for Wikipedia. Bisexual or Bisexuality is defined as relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward both sexes. Bicurious is a term used to refer to someone who does not identify as bisexual or homosexual but feels or show some interest in a relationship or sexual activity with someone of the same sex. To explain it in plain english, you can’t be bisexual if you’re bicurious, because curious being the root word, you’re just curious. You want to try it, you want to feel it, you want to experience it. It’s like those women who has lesbian phases in college. They experiment by sleeping with a woman because they’re curious. I also know about these bicurious men, because of my best friend John who by the way is gay has encountered several of them. If you’re bisexual, you are emotionally, physically and sexually attracted to both sexes. We all have our preferences because in the end we do have to choose. I am physically and sexually attracted to men, but I am emotionally and physically attracted to women. So am I going to get married to a man or a woman? It really doesn’t matter, because in the end man or woman, it’s the person I see myself in the future with that I’m going to end up with.

So how did I know I bisexual? It’s a long story you see. But to make it short, I was 13 and I went to a private catholic school for girls in the Philippines. I was used to having boys around in my old elementary school so being in an all girls school was a bit of a shock, but when I got thrown into this mix of strict nuns, strict teachers, and the realization that the girls there have these so-called relationships, I got used to it. I got so used to it, that I finally had a girl crush! My first girl crush. But, sadly she wasn’t the one who made me realize my emotional connection with girls. I forgot about her the summer after that school year. Then I met her (again I won’t tell her name for private reasons). This story gets so old already but I always love telling it because it was the day I met my first love. This was also the time when I actually thought I was gay. Imagine a 14 year old girl freaking out because she thinks she’s actually a lesbian! It’s weird now that I think about it.

Anyways back to the story, (I promise I will get to that part when I realized I was bisexual). She walked into the classroom on the first day of school and I just couldn’t stop staring at her. It was like at first sight. I just thought she was the most beautiful thing that walked in the room and into my life. In the days that I got to know her, I realized that she was smart, funny and that the room lights up when she’s in it. It wasn’t until we got partnered into an activity after school that my heart started palpitating, my words stammered, and my palms sweat that I realized that I was in love. Soon after I realized I cannot get a word in everytime I wanted to talk to her. The back of my math notebook was filled with her name. I just cannot stop thinking about her. But my heart would be broken into pieces a few months later when a classmate of ours found my math notebook which I left under my desk by mistake and showed it to her. I don’t know if she freaked out about it or whatever but she avoided me after that. It got awkward between the two of us and the tauntings of our peers and classmates didn’t help out at all. I left for the United States after that school year and I never got to talk to her. Up until now I still don’t know what happened. I still blame my 14 year old self for leaving that notebook. I didn’t know what she felt, or if I did something wrong. There was no closure between us. And it pains me that until now, that 14 year old girl then is now the same 24 year old woman who still loves her, longs for her, and wants to be with her.

Of course I came to realize I was bisexual when I came to this country. I got attracted to guys in an instant. Not just the physical part but the sexual part as well. I dated a few, but I haven’t really met someone with an emotional attraction. Maybe because the guys here (well the few that I’ve met) only has three things in their minds. Sexy women, Sports and Sex. I haven’t met a man with a emotional or sensitive side to him. Sure I’ve met women but somehow I’m still attached to my first love. I feel like no other women can compare to her so up to now I haven’t dated any yet. Or maybe I’m just afraid to rejection because she rejected me. Or maybe I’m just too plain picky. It’s like no one, man or woman can compare to her. I guess I’m just afraid that once we get our closure, I can never love again. I’ve dated but I’ve never really fallen in love yet.

It’s funny because I have her number yet I don’t have to courage to call her or talk to her. I guess I’ll just wait until we meet again and talk to each other face to face. God I hope she doesn’t stumble upon this blog.

Embarassing moments.

It’s a habit of mine to catch up on hollywood celeb gossip every day. The site I always go to is Perez Hilton and even though he is the most hated celebrity blogger, he is also the most loved. I have seen countless celebrity divorces, births, but what disgusts me the most is when celebrities like Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears shows their punani (that’s vagina in jamaican). I mean trust me, it’s not an attractive look when they don’t wear underwear in public and the paparazzi flashes their genitals. And not just women, even men flash their meager little dicks that even a woman like me won’t get turned on. That is plain disgusting, stupid and embarrassing.

Speaking of embarrasing moments, I actually just had one today but I won’t tell the details. I’m glad I only had one witness. I will tell one embarrasing thing about myself that I’m sure most of you will admit. I admit I pee in my pants whenever I laugh so hard because I can’t help it! It’s not like I want to sit in the toilet and then laugh my ass off so my piss would fall in there. That would really be silly and not to mention weird. There is one embarrassing moment that my family and I never fail to bring up in conversations. And this one is hitting the books. Let’s just say we laugh whenever we hear the word adult depends. LOL.

On a trip to Chicago to visit my Nanay (grandma) on a weekend, my sister Camille tagged along with my folks. They would’ve left earlier to avoid traffic, but since they woke up later, they left at around 6 am. It also means the start of rush hour traffic. And Illinois is not an easy state to go to, there are always road construction sites that obstruct traffic and make drivers’ heads go crazy. They were stuck in traffic for 3 whole hours and my mom had to pee so bad that she said my dad should pull over and she’ll pee right there on the side of the freeway. She was already whining and crying at this point. Of course my dad said no to this, and she said she cannot hold it any longer so she peed in her pants in the car. My sister Camille couldn’t stop laughing as she tells the story. Now everytime we travel long distances we always have to ask our Mom if she wore a depend aka adult diapers just in case she feels like peeing in her pants again.

Of course, embarrassing moments also happens when you’re drunk. I’ve literally puked on myself and said the silliest things I would never say when I’m sober. If there was one embarrassing moment I remember while drunk is my friend Molly’s 21st birthday, it was my best friend John, Molly and I that went out to Milwaukee that night to celebrate it. I celebrated my 21st 2 months before she did. John drove and we only brought his car. We decided he’ll drive home since he’s sober enough and we were both pretty drunk that we didn’t care who drove. So John, half-sober drove home. Halfway on our way home he decided to pull over on the side of the free way because he said he was falling asleep and he didn’t want to get us into an accident. So we said ok since we were all drunk to care anyway. We all fell asleep. About half an hour later, I noticed that there was a police car behind us. I freaked out and woke John up because I thought he would get busted for DUI or something. The cop warned us that we should drive to the nearest motel and sleep there because we can’t sleep and park on the side of the freeway. So we drove just drove home since we’re pretty close anyway. But that’s not half the funny and embarrassing part. Molly and I had to pee really bad so we took the next exit and found the darkest part of the road to pee at. We found a bunch of trees and bushes on the side of the road and did our deed there. John however didn’t pee. He did a #2! LOL. We got to Molly’s house and John said he’s sleepy again so we slept in the car which was parked in her house. I didn’t get home until 4 am!

So you see, as perfect as you may be, you can never expect the unexpected. Embarrasing moments and all, I don’t care because that just means I’m human and I make mistakes! Especially funny ones!

Thanks for the time to read my blog. I cannot believe I’ve already had 18 hits! I greatly appreciate it! It would also be great if you’d leave me comments, questions or suggestions to make my blog better.

Social networking.

I just logged on to my Facebook profile after a very long time of not being on it. I just got lazy updating it and no one ever seems to leave me any comments on there anyways. I only go there to check out my high school crush’s profile. Yes, yes I know its pathetic. But what can I do? Btw, he’s still hot. LOL.

I go to my myspace just because everyone else logs on it. I also have a Friendster profile. What is Friendster you ask? Friendster is the one that started it all. It’s the site that started the social networking genre. I didn’t really know what Myspace was until my youngest sister asked me to join it. I’ve been a member of Friendster for 5 years now. This is how I found all of my friends, classmates and all of my cousins back in the Philippines. I’m actually thankful for this site because without it, I wouldn’t reconnect with my friend Anne from San Diego or I wouldn’t know that about a dozen of my grade school classmates live here in the United States as well.

Whenever I log on there someone I know back in the days seems to be getting married and then having babies the next. Which is totally strange of how I knew them back then. Like you wouldn’t see them getting married or having babies at 25. Like my grade school best friend, I was way beyond shocked and in disbelief when I found out that she was pregnant at 21. Now, her whole world is her son Lex who is also my godson. God, I am getting old. I keep forgetting that I’m going to be 25 in a couple of months. I know most people my age don’t really care that they’re turning another year older. Me? I’m scared shit.

The way my life is going on right now, I realize that everyone’s ahead of me. I’m stuck in a job I like but my hours suck. I wish I could go back to school but I’m still saving up. I still haven’t met that person that I want to be with for the rest of my life because I think, I mean I know I live in the wrong state and the men I meet here all have one thing on their minds which is sex. I realize that I’m not financially ready for anything. I want to have a child but I really can’t have one considering I still haven’t met that right person to make it with. But as they say, everything happens for a reason. And if all these things should happen to me, then so be it. I guess I’ll just wait until something actually good happens.

But by the looks of it, I don’t think that’ll happen this year.

Cheesyrice defined.

Someone once told me that to write well, you have to write what you know. Here’s what I know: I have kept about a dozen or so blogs from other sites. I have one on my myspace that I haven’t even updated since god knows when. I have a photoblog, it’s pretty decent and I’ve just came to realize that I have been ignoring it for about a year now.

You see I’m the kind of person who likes to do things then gets sick of it after a while. That’s how I am with blogs, but now that I see myself writing again, I think I’m going to keep this blog for a while. Since you are a first time reader, let me introduce myself. My name is Tintin, I am in my midtwenties, and I live in the land of cheese. Plain and simple right? Well I guess my title already gave away who I am. I am not going to go into a lot of details about what I look like and shit like that.

For some of y’all who doesn’t know the land of cheese, it’s the home of the Green Bay Packers, Beer, Brats, Germans, and America’s dairyland. I’m talking about Wisconsin. Yes, I live in Wisconsin. Don’t ask me how I got here, it still puzzles me how I came to love this state and everything that’s in it even though it’s probably the last place I would want to live in eversince I came to this country.

Yes, I am a filipina. Filipina meaning a filipino woman. Filipinos live in the Philippines. I was born and raised in the Philippines until I was 14. You do the math. And hence the term cheesyrice for my blog. How clever right? And also the fact that I am a hopeless romantic and loves everything that’s cheesy or mushy whether it be movies, books and music. And yeah, I do love to eat rice as well being that I am an asian and all which is already a given, duh.

So what am I going to ramble about? It’s for me to know and for you to find out, soon. Sorry, the writer’s block kicked in and its about 1:06 am. My eyes are tired and I can’t sleep, I have to try to go to bed otherwise I’ll be up again for another hour rambling about some nonsensical shit whatsoever.

So to end this entry I bid you adieu.