Ex-factor.

Loving you is like a battle,
and we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be?
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me,
and no one ever will..

As I close the door on her way out, I drifted off to the conversation we had a couple of hours ago in her car. I wanted to talk to her, see her face, and know what she was feeling. We always talked online, on a text message, or on the phone, but never personally, or heart to heart. When we see each other it was either spending time with her son, or going to the gym. I’ve been contemplating for the past few weeks if I should just stay away for a while, simply because of the fact that I still love her, and I know that at this point in our relationship, nothing was ever going to be past that.

She knows I love her and deep inside, I know she still loves me too. I see the way she looks at me, and there are times I know she doesn’t express it, but I know she has a deep gratitude and appreciation for everything that I have done for her. She keeps telling me not to treat her like a princess anymore, showering her with gifts, or paying for her meals, or paying for stuff that she wants to buy. She says that being there for her is good enough. I still text her and call her everyday, even though I know that she won’t answer. It’s been 48 hours since I talked/texted her, and I still haven’t gotten a single call or a simple hey or hello on my inbox. Does it matter to me? Of course it does, but I know she has a lot on her plate, and of course, being the understanding ex-girlfriend/best friend, I have to concede. Like I said on my last post, no matter how flawed the person is, you still love them and accept them for who they are because that is just how they are and you can’t change them.

I keep telling myself to stay away from her for a while every single day. But every time I try, something always pulls me back. My heart melts every time I see her son. A part of me thinks of him as my own because every moment I hold him or give him a kiss, I feel a sense of joy that I myself can’t explain. When I get mad or disappointed at her and don’t see her for a while, I miss her and her son. I guess you can say I am falling in love with him too because he just this adorable little man you can’t help but smile every time you see him.

I asked her if she would stop me from leaving/staying away and if she will still be happy if I wasn’t in her life anymore. She told me that she won’t stop me because if she thinks that’s what’s going to be best for the both of us, she will understand, but she won’t be happy because she’ll never have someone who she can share her feelings to, and be there for her when she needs it. My eyes teared up as I told her it would be harder for me to stay away than for her because it would hurt even more. It’s like saying goodbye to someone who’s been your entire world for two years. Someone you consider part of your life besides your family, and someone you love and can’t be away from. If that were to happen, I would move out of the state.

I found out during that conversation that if she didn’t have her son, she would still be with me regardless if she was married. Her marriage was doomed from the start and I knew it the moment I got to know her. She’s a damaged soul, and I think I understand her more now. She is still so complex in many ways and even if she still has this Pandora’s box that is still yet to be opened, I’d like to uncover it and discover her true self. I told her that all my promises, all my words, are true and unconditional. It will never change. She told me that whatever she does, she always thinks twice, and thinks of me and her son. She doesn’t want to make mistakes and do the same things she did before she had her son, and she doesn’t want me to think that I can’t trust her.

I thought to myself that day and asked myself if I should believe her. I think actions speak louder than words, and most of her actions are sometimes suspicious. Do I trust her? I do, but sometimes with her shady past, I really don’t know what to think anymore. Would she get mad at me if she knew this? Probably. Maybe I’m just paranoid, or just afraid. Am I not good enough? I am willing to sacrifice everything to be with this person. I told her that I believe that she is my soul mate and that when I love someone, I just don’t love them and then break up because I suddenly got bored. I love them wholeheartedly and I’m in it for the long run.

I realize I don’t really know where our relationship stands. At this point, all I know is that, if I will be ready to leave her, and finally move on, I don’t want her to regret what she had in me. I know I will also regret the fact that I will be leaving her but I know that whatever decision she makes, it will hurt me in the long run, and I need to move on from this, and from her.

Flaws and all.

I don’t know why you love me,
And that’s why I love you,
You catch me when I fall,
Accept me flaws and all,
And that’s why I love you..

Last weekend, I went to Madison to visit my sisters, and it was the night of the FASO (Filipino-American Student Organization) dinner. I decided to hitch a ride with my sister’s Penoy’s (April) boyfriend Josh because no one else was available to come with me and he was coming up there to visit as well so I tagged along. He was in a hurry to go as my sister was already demanding that we cannot be late. The dinner starts at 7 and it was already almost 5 when he got to my house to pick me up. It takes an hour and 15 minutes to get to Madison from where we lived. He said he didn’t even have time to shower and change. He literally just got home from work and he was wearing work pants and his hands were filthy. I got in the truck and we were off to Madison.

I don’t really remember how my sister met Josh. All I knew was that they belonged to the same group of friends. I think she told me that she was seeing a boy. This was 4 years ago. I think Josh made a difference in her life as well, because before she met him, I didn’t even knew who she was. She was a rebellious 17 year old, barely making it in school, she started smoking and partying and staying out till 2 am in the morning on a school night. She was a damaged soul. I didn’t like her so much I refused to go to her graduation because I feel like she didn’t deserve to graduate because of all the shit she put my parents through that year. This all changed after she met Josh. She went to community college, got a nicer job, and started growing up and thinking about her future. The bad smoking habit is still there but now I learn to accept it because I know she will eventually quit.

We got to Madison at exactly 6:15. Her car was parked outside her apartment, and she was waiting for us and was going to take us to the dinner venue. They were already having an argument on the phone so as soon as we got to her car they had a small spat which was not a big one compared to their usual fights (we will talk about that later). We got to the venue, met up with my other sister and their other friends and ate good Filipino food and talked about our culture. I had a good time despite the fact that I was still hungry by the end of it. I wish there was more chicken adobo and egg rolls with a big mound of white rice. I didn’t really care much for the sinigang that was making everything on my plate all sour.

After dinner, Josh and Penoy had a smoke break while I stayed in and help put away the chairs they used and talk with my other sister Camille for a little bit. I met up with them after and Penoy decided we go back to her apartment. Her roommate and their other friends decided to go to the nearest liquor store and told us to wait for them. Josh realized this fact and told my sister to wait. It looked like she wasn’t going to wait and got upset and we left and decided not to wait for them. Then I got deaf from all the yelling and I don’t remember what they all said. It’s funny how I’m always around whenever they start to fight. I don’t mean to eavesdrop but sometimes they fight about the stupidest things. I love them both, and Josh is like a brother to me, but I just wish they’d tone their fights down a bit. I think I’m going deaf sometimes because between my mom nagging at me, my dad getting mad about everything, and Josh and Penoy fighting, I don’t think I can hear clearly anymore.

But no matter how stupid the fights are, no matter how many times I fear that they will break up, and no matter how many times they get upset about what the other one is doing, at the end of the day they still have each other. I have to admit, I think sometimes Penoy is older than me because she tells me what to do. She yells at me, she’s a nag sometimes, and even gives me hell if I don’t do the stuff I’m supposed to. I don’t complain because I grew up without a backbone. I can’t stand up for myself. I can’t express my feelings and emotions without fear of rejection or that I will get a negative response one way or another. I am emotionally incapacitated and needs guidance in that area. I feel the same way about E. She might not call me for a couple of days because she’s busy, she might not say she appreciates everything that I do for her, or she might not always be there for me because she’s taking care of her son.

They are both important in my life and no matter what their flaw is, I accept them because I love them. Like the famous bible verse says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

I think Josh feels the same way about my sister. I know I can see through him that he is tired and annoyed with her sometimes, which I also see and observe about my sister, but no matter how hard they want to break up and fight constantly, at the end of they day they are still together. I can tell that about my parents as well. They have been married for almost 27 years now, and no matter how crabby my mom gets or my dad losing his patience and being prideful, they are still together and cannot live without each other.

To sum it all up, Imperfections or no imperfections, love is never flawed.

Heart of the matter.

I’ve been trying to get down,
To the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter,
But I think it’s about forgiveness, forgiveness,
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.

When you go on a road trip, there will be a lot of road blocks along the way. It’s the same way in the journey we call life, we go through personal thorns and roadblocks that sometimes put our lives on hold that disables us to do the normal things we do everyday. Yesterday proved to be a very emotional roadblock for me. I kinda tend to over think a lot of things, and I end up either being too emotional about it, or sometimes dragged down with a heavy heart. I was so emotional, I was almost in tears.

When the past comes back to haunt you, it hits you, and it hits you hard. I don’t remember where I heard that saying but it made sense yesterday. My ex-girlfriend who is now my best friend E, who I happened to write about in one of my past blog entries here, has said some things that triggered my past with her, and how much she had hurt me before. I guess I never really talked about how things ended the way they are now. Others who I have confided in about us often ask me how I can become best friends with her because of the way she had treat me and hurt me before. I can’t even answer that question to tell you honestly, things just happened the way they were I guess.

It was spring of 2009 when we decided we’d just stay friends. I really didn’t want to call it a break up because we didn’t have a label for the relationship we had. But I considered her my girlfriend because I loved her, even though she was married. That day was any other day, I was going to come over to her house to hang out, but before I came over she texted me saying that she needed to tell me something important. I shrugged it off thinking it wasn’t anything important. She sat me down, and told me she wanted to show me something. She sat next to me and pulled out a pregnancy test that said it was positive. I was surprised, but I knew that a couple weeks before that she has been suspecting that she was pregnant. I got scared, and a million questions ran through my head. I thought, is this really it? Am I going to have to avoid her because she’s having a baby? Are we over? I knew right then and there I had to make a decision. We both got quiet and I told her that I’m happy for her because this is what she has wanted in a long time. She broke down in tears, and told me that she doesn’t want me to leave her, and she wanted me to be there for her during her pregnancy. She needed me. I was stuck in a situation I didn’t want to be in. I told her a few months before that during our happy times that if she does get pregnant that that was the last straw. She won’t hurt me anymore after that and I was going to avoid her. She has hurt me so many times that I couldn’t even count anymore.

Her tears moved me. She was sobbing so hard, and has said that she was scared. She went through a miscarriage before this second pregnancy and she didn’t have anyone. She has been an emotional wreck and was down the past year and that going through it alone will be difficult for her. I told her that she had her husband, and her family, why did she need me? She said that next to her husband, I was the second most important person in her life. Right then and there, I decided to make a decision. I calmed her down, held her hand and told her that I’ll stay. I kissed her on the forehead. I stayed even when I knew right then and there we can’t continue what we had before. I stayed not just because she needed me, but I realized not having her in my life would hurt me even more.

Those nine months were tough. I was at the point where I was ready to quit, but I stuck through. She now has a beautiful baby boy named Cristopher. When he came to both our lives, all the pain, the hurt, it was all gone. And what bloomed was a friendship which I now treasure and will treasure for the rest of my life. I forgave her for all the things she did to me in the past, and instead, focused on being her best friend and being there for her. At times I admit, I still treat her like a princess, and comes to her rescue when she needs me. She told me that I didn’t have to do it but I do it because I want to, not because I need to.

So why are all of these things related to my emotional relapse yesterday? I wouldn’t go into details but what she told me brought back all the bad memories. The hurt, the pain, the anger, the fights, the drama came flooding back into my life. I went to bed almost in tears. I felt my heart sink down to the floor. I realized that I haven’t gotten over all the things that has happened to us in the past. It’s really hard when you love someone and they don’t love you the same anymore. I deal with it everyday but I know my feelings will drift away soon when I find someone else. I’m just afraid that when I do, I will always compare them to her. I know she brags about it sometimes but no one does compare to her. They might come close but I know it’s going to feel different. I couldn’t concentrate, I didn’t get to workout that night, and I didn’t want to go to work. I talked to my sister and she made me feel better but I felt like I needed to confront E about it.

She understood where I was coming from even though I didn’t really know what she was thinking at that point because we were texting. I didn’t blame her, and I told her that the last thing I wanted to do was to take a break and not be friends anymore. Was she crazy? She is my best friend. And losing your best friend is like losing a pet, a family member, or worse, losing an arm or a leg. She was that important in my life that I wouldn’t be able to bear it. Losing her would make my life empty. And I want to be a part of Cristopher’s life. Who wouldn’t want to be? He is adorable, and I love him, just like I love his mommy. Instead of moping about it, I gave a sigh of relief and I was back to my normal self when I got home this morning.

I think the point of this whole story is about forgiveness, and if I can sum it up with a final quote, its “Genuine forgiveness doesn’t deny anger, it faces it head-on.” The reason I put all of the past behind is because I forgave her a long time ago and I didn’t want to think about it anymore, because I know that when I do, it’ll remind me everyday that all I have for her now is unrequited love and I want to let go of these feelings because I know it will be better for me and her in the long run and I don’t want to hate her because of it.

One hundred pounds.

It seems like two months have been a really long time but I could say time does fly really fast when you’re busy and not paying attention. As I sit on this chair pondering what has happened to me for these past couple months, I still couldn’t believe I am still the same person as I was when I started this life-changing event that has happened in my life. My motto, NO DAY BUT TODAY has stuck with me from day one until now. I actually have a new motto, which is, GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT. I remember getting that quote from a fortune cookie from a few years back. Funny thing is I haven’t stepped into a Chinese buffet restaurant since my Mom’s birthday last January.

I promised myself I was going to change my life forever. When I started my weight-loss I wasn’t even thinking about a goal weight. I was just going to say I’ll lose the weight and just keep it off when I’m done. It doesn’t matter how long it would take me just as long as I’ll be under 200 lbs. I haven’t been under 200 lbs since I was 13 years old. On my first week, I immediately lost 15 lbs, then the numbers kept getting lower but I was losing weight every week. When I reached a total weight loss of 25 lbs, I was shocked that I actually achieved that in 4 weeks! 4 weeks! I started exercising  and fell in love with Zumba and my energy level skyrocketed. I started going to the gym 2-3 times a week and now I can’t believe this former couch potato/computer addict goes to the gym almost every day! And I work nights! That fact still amazes me sometimes.

I still watch TV but because of this new found energy I can’t stop moving that when I’m not doing anything I get so bored I fall asleep. So then I constantly have to keep moving just to get rid of my boredom. I am still a computer geek but I don’t spend hours and hours on the computer anymore. I only go on my computer to check my email, go on facebook and check my twitter. But sometimes I don’t even have to go on it because I get to do all that on my phone.

I love doing cardio on the machines. I can stay on the treadmill now for 25-30 minutes without complaining that my legs hurt and that I’m tired. The last time I went on an elliptical machine was a couple of years ago and when I couldn’t handle it because of the weight of my legs bearing on the machine, I got off in a couple of minutes and never went in one again. The elliptical is actually now my favorite cardio machine at the gym and I can stay on it for 20 minutes and never complain about how hard it is. I still have to conquer the stationary bike as I still have trouble sitting down in that itty bitty seat because of my big butt. LOL. I’m planning on starting to lift weights as a part of my workout just to double the weight loss. I know it is very ambitious but because of the TV show “The Biggest Loser,” it has motivated me to lose a double digit even if it is just a 10 for a whole week.

So now we come to this point, 8 weeks, 40+ trips to the gym and about 20 hours of Zumba later, I have now lost 42 lbs. Like I said when I started this I wasn’t even thinking of a goal weight. But then I remembered the reason why I wanted to lose the weight in the first place, which is that I am getting a year older and that I didn’t want to look like this when I turn 27. So I realized that I should lose one hundred pounds by my birthday in September. I had a lot of skeptics, thinking I couldn’t do it, and that losing 5 lbs every week is unhealthy. But once you have a motivation and you have that goal and you have the support system, anything is possible. This week I am reaching another milestone. I am going to be under 300 lbs for the first time in 10 years. And I am not going to look back.

Up to this point I still can’t believe I’m the same person I was two months ago. I used to be the heavy breather, the couch potato, the computer addict, the lazy ass, and I was 343 lbs. I’m still the same person, I still breathe heavy (only when I’m tired), I still love watching TV (only when I’m not busy), I am not a computer addict, I’m just a computer nerd now (I still get excited about computers and electronics), and I can be lazy but sometimes I just choose not to. These things plus the fact that I am 42 lbs lighter, full of energy, and happier and hopefully by September, I will reach my goal and I will be one hundred pounds lighter.

No day but today.

No other road
No other way
No day but today

Such a famous line from one of my favorite musical turned movie. And yet, I never really kept the meaning at heart until three days ago. It was the start of a new day. I was full of energy I didn’t even sleep. Well, it was the start of my new life. This song was sung beautifully and it was perfectly fit in a scene where it is needed to be. If I compare the scene of Mimi telling Roger that there is no day but today to my own life, I’d probably say that I’m Roger and Mimi was everyone else in my life aka my family, my friends, acquaintances, and co-workers. If Roger had AIDS, I had Obesity.

When he found out he had AIDS, his life stopped.  He would be in his apartment strumming his electric guitar all day feeling sorry for himself and wished he’d die. He’s trying to write a song but cannot do it because he is consumed by depression and loneliness. He didn’t have the motivation to live.

I came to this country at 150 lbs, and now I am twice the size plus more. I didn’t gain the weight overnight. I had to live with it for 12 years. My parents thought it was genetic. I was taken to lab tests after lab tests to the point where I dreaded needles because I had to get poked to get more blood samples. I always knew I was fat, but it really didn’t bother me at first. I had other things on my mind. I started high school over as a freshmen even though I was already going to be a junior in my homeland. I was homesick, and depressed. I was lonely, and I was mad. I hated my parents for bringing me to this country. I missed my relatives and I missed my friends. I was stuck in the past, and I couldn’t move on, this went on to the point that I was on the brink of suicide. My parents tried to persuade me to lose weight in my earlier teen years but I was just consumed by my loneliness and didn’t care. I didn’t have the motivation to lose weight.

Roger met Mimi when she came over to his apartment because of an unlit candle. Sparks flew and she realizes that she is falling for this mysterious, yet angry at the world guy. He on the other hand is holding back. He realizes that he cannot be vulnerable and he is unable to love because he has AIDS and he is dying. He pushed her away at the end of the scene where she is trying to convince him to go out of his comfort zone aka his apartment and try to smell the fresh air. That is when Mimi belts out into a song that tells us of the now famous line: NO DAY BUT TODAY.

As I was going through adulthood, I started to know and realize things that would even put my life on hold. Still gaining weight, I got over my depression and homesickness and realized that I had to start living my life. My family was still encouraging me at times to lose weight. I was on all kinds of diets. Weight watchers, After six, Slimfast. You name it, I did it. I joined a gym when I turned 20 to help me exercise. I moved to Oregon at 21 to change my life around and came back as a failure 6 months later. I was still gaining weight but I found a job that I would actually love and hate at the same time. I met new co-workers, that I would consider friends. At 25, I thought I was completely happy. I wanted to change my life around but for some reason, it never panned out. Stress took over. I was eating more and more, and what’s worse, I’d eat out when I can’t eat in.

My friend, and co-worker, who coincidentally happened to be also named Meme came to work Monday morning. It was a normal routine, she’d take over and I’d go home and pass out in my bed. We had a heart to heart talk about our lives and our weight (she is also obese like me) and the events that lead to that day made me realize that my life has been put on hold for a long time. I needed to live for me now. I am 26 years old, in less than 9 months I will be 27. That means 3 more years I will be in my 30s. I not only am I getting old but I didn’t want to look like this by the time I’m 30. I want to start living, and I want to start right now. When I went home that day my Mom asked me why I just thought of losing all the weight after all the times that they keep telling me that I should go on a diet or join the gym. Why not before when I was younger, when she did everything she can for me to lose all the weight. I simply said, because I wasn’t ready, and I didn’t have the motivation. I was losing weight to please my family, I wasn’t losing the weight for me because I didn’t care before, but I cared now. Meme understood my situation because she was in the same situation I am in. She knows what I’m going through and we both realize that we need to do this now, and not later. NO DAY BUT TODAY, my sister told me that night.

In the end, Roger realizes that he needs to go out there and live again. He realized that if he lets it pass him by he could miss it and he’ll miss the opportunity to love again. Mimi has opened his eyes. Just like my friend Meme did. I could tell you my motivation but I’d have to kill you. Only a few people, namely my family and friends knows about it. And no, it is not a special someone. I just want to be ready when it comes, and when it does, I know I’ll be more happier than ever.

Too little, too late.

My eyes are drooping and it feels like they’re not going to stay open for a while. I haven’t had a decent sleep in days. I close my eyes wondering if I’m ever going to get one. Then, I wake up 2 hours later and realize that the cycle repeats.

It really doesn’t help that I’m sick with a cold and my nose is running constantly. The weird feeling is, I don’t even feel sick. I just feel really, really tired, that’s all. It’s what I’ve been feeling these past few weeks. Tired. It doesn’t help when you think and worry about someone constantly. I’m such a worry-wart. I worry about the safety of the people I love and care about. And now there’s one more person I have to worry about. Who you ask? Read down below and you’ll find out more.

I didn’t realize that its been 4 long months since I wrote on this blog. Lots of stuff happened in my life. Summer of ’08 was officially over, I turned a quarter of a century old, I became mother to two more six-week old kittens (again), I am now starting to like (and maybe even love) my job and did I mention that I finally fell in love?  Such a weird feeling, love. How can a simple word turn out to be such a complication? I didn’t really choose to be in love, I guess it chose me at the right place in the wrong time. But I guess its true when they say, “Love comes when you least expect it.”

Let’s rewind back to August when I last blogged. I don’t even remember what I blogged about that day. Oh, the youtube madness? It’s over. My best friend John and I are so busy now we don’t even have time to shoot or make movies anymore. I kinda miss it since that was the only time we bonded. So, summer was officially over and I just realized that I did nothing but sit on my ass all summer long. Mostly all I did was sleep, eat, work, relax a little and then the process repeats. Kinda boring but I got busy because of work. Well part of my summer was exciting at least when we all took a trip up north to Door county back in June for my Mom and Dad’s 25th wedding anniversary.

I officially lost John temporarily when September rolled around as school started for college kids everywhere. He’s a nursing student you see, and being a college student sucks the life out of you. I don’t even know how those other college kids party on the weekends and then go back to school Monday mornings like nothing happened. Your social life becomes kaput and you’re just stuck reading, reviewing, studying etc. That’s basically what happened to him. And it didn’t help that he was only home on the weekends and we don’t see each other much. I missed him, and it was taking a toll on me. Then my birthday came around. It was the only thing I was looking forward to all month because I was celebrating my golden birthday. Turning 25 isn’t so bad, but when I think about all the stuff that I’ve been through all these years, I kinda got freaked out because turning 25 means the beginning of your late 20′s which will lead to turning 30. Gulp! To explain what having a golden birthday means, it is when the day of your birthday and the age that you’re turning are the same.  So I turned 25 on the 25th of September. A friend of mine told me that when you celebrate your golden birthday, your whole entire year after will be a good one. So far, it’s turning out to be a good one. I just hope it stays that way until September 2009.

October was a blur. I was actually starting to like my job because around Mid-September, one of my co-workers that I had a strong dislike because of the way she treats the residents/elders had quit because she found a job closer to her home. Long story short, she quit because she drives 20 minutes to work everyday and with the price of gas back then, she couldn’t afford it. If you read back, from a previous entry I blogged about another co-worker who admitted to me that she was bisexual, remember that one? The one that I chose not to name because of her privacy? Well, let’s name her E.

E took over the AM shift and she became full-time. I rarely see her before because she would work the PM shift and be gone by 7 and I’ll come at 10:30 to start my shift. It was a rare occasion that we worked on the same days together but when it happens, we like to catch up on things. And when she got transferred to the AM shift, we saw each other almost everyday. I got to know her a little better and things at work was becoming more pleasant, and relaxing. Gone was the tension and bitchiness and everyone was happier, including me. I would stay after just to help her out, and soon enough we started to become close friends. She trusted me with her problems and I trusted her with mine. She met my family soon enough when she came over my house one day to hang out. I even invited her to my birthday where she met John and the rest of my other friends. I clearly remember that night. It was her first time trying Japanese food and it was funny to see how she handled the chopsticks. It didn’t help that a soy sauce stain went on her pink shirt. I learned to know how pink was her favorite color, she was devastated when she lost her baby in a miscarriage, and that she was moving closer to our workplace so she doesn’t have to drive in the snow during the cold winter months.

My sister told me a couple weeks back, “You wanted to test the water before you swam in it, but you fell in way too deep”. I did fall for E alright. Hard, and fast. I found myself liking her more than a friend, and being happy for the first time in a long time. Surprisingly, I found myself liking to be at work longer which was unexpected since before I couldn’t wait to get out of there just so I can come home, be with my cats and sleep all day. I’ve kept this feeling hidden up until the last week of October, when I finally admitted it to her personally (which was painstakingly embarrassing to say the least) that I indeed liked her more than a friend. Her reaction surprised me because the last time I told someone I liked them, they ignored  me and never talked to me again.

I couldn’t believe that she felt the same way. I’m not really the greatest thing that you could look at but she said not only does she like me, she also respects me. After that day, we’ve been inseperable since. I know its hard for people to understand, and my sisters and John didn’t understand at first but we are friends, first and foremost. The only difference is that we like each other. Scratch that. Love each other more than friends that is. We have a weird relationship, she and I. We’ve had a couple of fights and argued about the stupidest things, but this much I know is true. I’ve never loved someone like I love her now. She really does make my heart smile. She is the reason I don’t sleep much because I worry about her a lot.

You might say, why fall for a married woman? The answer is, I really don’t know. She asked me that question one day, you know. She’s like, “why do you love me so much?” I couldn’t answer her. I really don’t know the answer. I just do. How many bisexual people do you know, man or woman, who isn’t married or committed? Zero. I might cry, get sad or get hurt so many times but I know that losing her in my life will be the biggest pain I’ll ever experience. Friend or not, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that day when I have to make that choice. That’s why even though I don’t want to think about the future, I find myself thinking ahead. How hypocritical of me considering I had told John that I’d rather live for the present than think of the future.

I don’t really know what the future holds for me, but I’m getting older and I still want to do a lot of things in my life. I feel like my life is on hold and all I can do is just sit and wait for it to get better. I look at my old classmates in high school and most of them are either college graduates, successful in their chosen careers, or are married and have families of their own. I shouldn’t feel jealous but in a way I do. But I know someday my time will come, but until then I’ll just live my life for now, just like I always did. I’ll be happy and content with what I have right now because I might not have a husband or a college degree but then I realize that I have a steady job, a loving family, wonderful friends and someone who loves me for me.

Crazy youtubers.

Sorry readers. I haven’t posted in a week. Lotsa stuff has been happening. Mostly work, second, life. Yes, I still have a life despite of keeping two blogs at the same time. And writer’s block attacked yet again. What are you gonna do right?

I think I’m gonna do this post short since I’m only going to promote my newest youtube channel. Yes, I’ve also jumped on the bandwagon of famous youtubers like chriscrocker, whatthebuck, and of course my two favorite asians on youtube, kevjumba & happyslip. Yes, I am a youtube addict I admit. There is a lot of stuff to watch on youtube. Heck I don’t even have to go on MTV just to watch a music video. It’s not like they play music videos. Mostly its just trashy reality shows like from G’s to Gents. I mean, who would watch that?

Well anyways back to the topic. I go to youtube just to pass time. But the people I find there oh man. Crazy. There’s these crazy lipsynchers or even singers that attempt to sing a Rihanna song. Not like they can do it but whatever. Some of these youtubers think of the craziest thing to put on their videos. Some are cute and some are just plain stupid. I just laugh some of them off. Even celebs are vlogging (video blogging) like Miley Cyrus and Jessica Alba.

So I have too jumped on the bandwagon. I told myself I wasn’t going to do it but my best friend John bought his flip video camera (well a copycat but close), we’ve been taking random videos. Our first one was at my sister Camille’s 22nd birthday. We decided to make a youtube channel based on our group, our minority. The people around us. Hence, the minority club. It was a collab between me and him, me being the video editor, and him being the director. This is our teaser for our channel. We will post new episodes every Thursday! If you stumble upon this blog, please subscribe!

Nobody wants to be lonely.

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. A simple line from a song of the same title, but it means everything. Nobody wants to be lonely. I know I don’t want to be. But how come everyone around me thinks that I do?

Last Sunday, John and I went to the County fair just because it was the last day and we haven’t been there yet. There wasn’t much to do so we just walked around the grounds. We had ice cream but it melted because of the hot sun. Despite of the pangs of hunger, and the different food that our noses were smelling, we skipped eating because we were broke and the food was expensive. We passed by a stand wherein there is a psychic that specializes in palm, tarot card & crystal ball readings. I remember my co-worker telling me about getting a tarot card reading from the same lady a few days back and she said everything she said about her was true. I just wanted to try and see, so I got a palm reading since the tarot card was five bucks more. John listened in as he was sitting right beside me and his turn was next.

Here’s a few of the things that the psychic told me about myself, my future and my present based on just reading my palm:

My life line was good, she said I will have a long life, but she said at the end of my lifeline, there is a blockage, a condition that might prevent me from living long.

I have never had or been in a serious relationship.

I recently lost someone (someone close to me) that is watching me at that very moment. She said that she is my guardian angel, and this person is trying to help me fix my life.

I am lonely.

Out of all those four things I mentioned, she was only right on one thing. What bothered me is that when she said I was lonely, John muttered, that’s true. Did I hear him right? Does my best friend really think I’m lonely? I certainly didn’t think I was lonely. Does it really show? I may look emo in some of my pictures but that doesn’t mean I really am emotional. Being a photographer, I like to see things in different perspective, and if that means taking a self-portrait emo picture, then so be it.
But lonely? I don’t think I am. I have the perfect example of a lonely person. I this other co-worker, let’s call her J. J works the 1st shift at my job. She lives alone, and she has family, but her family doesn’t like her because of her attitude and personality. She cries herself at night and feels sorry for herself because she’s all alone and she doesn’t have anybody. So this bitterness carries on when she comes to work, and bitches at or takes it out on the residents. Which she shouldn’t because she’s disrespecting them. Now, if I compare myself to her, I am not lonely at all.

I have family, and I have my best friend John. I have other friends that live out of state, but I have come in contact with or have seen them. I still have friends back in the Philippines. I have my cats whom I love and adore so much. They just make me happy when I’m not in the mood for anything. My heart might be lonely because I still haven’t found the right person to be with to start a relationship, but I am anything but lonely. I am content with my life. I may not be happy at times, but thats because I still feel that my life is still not in order, and when it is, maybe I’ll be okay. Until then I’ll think of myself as a content human being because hey, nobody wants to be lonely.

Writer’s block attacks.

I’m in a state of emptiness, or blankness if you will. I hold the pen in my hand and I try to find the words but I cannot write or express it as of this moment. Call it what you want but I simply call it writer’s block.

I am in the process of writing a new entry it might come up today or tomorrow depending on my mood, please be patient. In the meantime, my sister Jordan wants you to visit her blog. Call it shameless plug if you will. Pfft. I love shameless plugs.

Click here to visit her blog. Ciao readers. Until the next chapter of my life.

Bisexual and bicurious.

I went to work last night not expecting anything. I knew it was going to be another long night, and I was hoping one of our alzheimer’s residents won’t get up in the middle of night trying to look for his car keys or his car for that matter.

I was glad to see a co-worker of mine (I am with-holding her name for her privacy) that I liked talking to from time to time because we are around the same age and I feel like I don’t really have a friend at work that I can talk to about stuff because I deal with elder people everyday, my other co-workers are over 40 or 50, and my boss intimidates the heck out of me. I felt like I can talk to her about anything under the sun. This sometimes explains the mornings where I don’t get out of work until 7:30 am instead of an hour earlier because when she works, we get into these long conversations.

Anyways after she gave me an update/report on our residents aka elder people (sidenote: I work as a caregiver at an assisted-living facility), somehow our conversation ended up to her telling me how she admitted to her husband that she was in a relationship with a woman before they dated. She said she has never admitted this to anyone besides her husband, and another co-worker of ours. I was surprised, because she didn’t seem the type to be attracted to a woman, and it seemed like she loved her husband. She said she does love her husband, but she said she knew that she was bisexual 3 years ago when she came out to her friends, but not her family because she knew they would freak out. And here I am thinking to myself, this situation sounds familiar to me. Why? Because I too am bisexual.

I always get ticked off when people often compare being bisexual and bicurious as two similar things. I am glad for having Merriam Webster online. I couldn’t find bicurious there since they are two joined words so I opted for Wikipedia. Bisexual or Bisexuality is defined as relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward both sexes. Bicurious is a term used to refer to someone who does not identify as bisexual or homosexual but feels or show some interest in a relationship or sexual activity with someone of the same sex. To explain it in plain english, you can’t be bisexual if you’re bicurious, because curious being the root word, you’re just curious. You want to try it, you want to feel it, you want to experience it. It’s like those women who has lesbian phases in college. They experiment by sleeping with a woman because they’re curious. I also know about these bicurious men, because of my best friend John who by the way is gay has encountered several of them. If you’re bisexual, you are emotionally, physically and sexually attracted to both sexes. We all have our preferences because in the end we do have to choose. I am physically and sexually attracted to men, but I am emotionally and physically attracted to women. So am I going to get married to a man or a woman? It really doesn’t matter, because in the end man or woman, it’s the person I see myself in the future with that I’m going to end up with.

So how did I know I bisexual? It’s a long story you see. But to make it short, I was 13 and I went to a private catholic school for girls in the Philippines. I was used to having boys around in my old elementary school so being in an all girls school was a bit of a shock, but when I got thrown into this mix of strict nuns, strict teachers, and the realization that the girls there have these so-called relationships, I got used to it. I got so used to it, that I finally had a girl crush! My first girl crush. But, sadly she wasn’t the one who made me realize my emotional connection with girls. I forgot about her the summer after that school year. Then I met her (again I won’t tell her name for private reasons). This story gets so old already but I always love telling it because it was the day I met my first love. This was also the time when I actually thought I was gay. Imagine a 14 year old girl freaking out because she thinks she’s actually a lesbian! It’s weird now that I think about it.

Anyways back to the story, (I promise I will get to that part when I realized I was bisexual). She walked into the classroom on the first day of school and I just couldn’t stop staring at her. It was like at first sight. I just thought she was the most beautiful thing that walked in the room and into my life. In the days that I got to know her, I realized that she was smart, funny and that the room lights up when she’s in it. It wasn’t until we got partnered into an activity after school that my heart started palpitating, my words stammered, and my palms sweat that I realized that I was in love. Soon after I realized I cannot get a word in everytime I wanted to talk to her. The back of my math notebook was filled with her name. I just cannot stop thinking about her. But my heart would be broken into pieces a few months later when a classmate of ours found my math notebook which I left under my desk by mistake and showed it to her. I don’t know if she freaked out about it or whatever but she avoided me after that. It got awkward between the two of us and the tauntings of our peers and classmates didn’t help out at all. I left for the United States after that school year and I never got to talk to her. Up until now I still don’t know what happened. I still blame my 14 year old self for leaving that notebook. I didn’t know what she felt, or if I did something wrong. There was no closure between us. And it pains me that until now, that 14 year old girl then is now the same 24 year old woman who still loves her, longs for her, and wants to be with her.

Of course I came to realize I was bisexual when I came to this country. I got attracted to guys in an instant. Not just the physical part but the sexual part as well. I dated a few, but I haven’t really met someone with an emotional attraction. Maybe because the guys here (well the few that I’ve met) only has three things in their minds. Sexy women, Sports and Sex. I haven’t met a man with a emotional or sensitive side to him. Sure I’ve met women but somehow I’m still attached to my first love. I feel like no other women can compare to her so up to now I haven’t dated any yet. Or maybe I’m just afraid to rejection because she rejected me. Or maybe I’m just too plain picky. It’s like no one, man or woman can compare to her. I guess I’m just afraid that once we get our closure, I can never love again. I’ve dated but I’ve never really fallen in love yet.

It’s funny because I have her number yet I don’t have to courage to call her or talk to her. I guess I’ll just wait until we meet again and talk to each other face to face. God I hope she doesn’t stumble upon this blog.