Loving you is like a battle,
and we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be?
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me,
and no one ever will..
As I close the door on her way out, I drifted off to the conversation we had a couple of hours ago in her car. I wanted to talk to her, see her face, and know what she was feeling. We always talked online, on a text message, or on the phone, but never personally, or heart to heart. When we see each other it was either spending time with her son, or going to the gym. I’ve been contemplating for the past few weeks if I should just stay away for a while, simply because of the fact that I still love her, and I know that at this point in our relationship, nothing was ever going to be past that.
She knows I love her and deep inside, I know she still loves me too. I see the way she looks at me, and there are times I know she doesn’t express it, but I know she has a deep gratitude and appreciation for everything that I have done for her. She keeps telling me not to treat her like a princess anymore, showering her with gifts, or paying for her meals, or paying for stuff that she wants to buy. She says that being there for her is good enough. I still text her and call her everyday, even though I know that she won’t answer. It’s been 48 hours since I talked/texted her, and I still haven’t gotten a single call or a simple hey or hello on my inbox. Does it matter to me? Of course it does, but I know she has a lot on her plate, and of course, being the understanding ex-girlfriend/best friend, I have to concede. Like I said on my last post, no matter how flawed the person is, you still love them and accept them for who they are because that is just how they are and you can’t change them.
I keep telling myself to stay away from her for a while every single day. But every time I try, something always pulls me back. My heart melts every time I see her son. A part of me thinks of him as my own because every moment I hold him or give him a kiss, I feel a sense of joy that I myself can’t explain. When I get mad or disappointed at her and don’t see her for a while, I miss her and her son. I guess you can say I am falling in love with him too because he just this adorable little man you can’t help but smile every time you see him.
I asked her if she would stop me from leaving/staying away and if she will still be happy if I wasn’t in her life anymore. She told me that she won’t stop me because if she thinks that’s what’s going to be best for the both of us, she will understand, but she won’t be happy because she’ll never have someone who she can share her feelings to, and be there for her when she needs it. My eyes teared up as I told her it would be harder for me to stay away than for her because it would hurt even more. It’s like saying goodbye to someone who’s been your entire world for two years. Someone you consider part of your life besides your family, and someone you love and can’t be away from. If that were to happen, I would move out of the state.
I found out during that conversation that if she didn’t have her son, she would still be with me regardless if she was married. Her marriage was doomed from the start and I knew it the moment I got to know her. She’s a damaged soul, and I think I understand her more now. She is still so complex in many ways and even if she still has this Pandora’s box that is still yet to be opened, I’d like to uncover it and discover her true self. I told her that all my promises, all my words, are true and unconditional. It will never change. She told me that whatever she does, she always thinks twice, and thinks of me and her son. She doesn’t want to make mistakes and do the same things she did before she had her son, and she doesn’t want me to think that I can’t trust her.
I thought to myself that day and asked myself if I should believe her. I think actions speak louder than words, and most of her actions are sometimes suspicious. Do I trust her? I do, but sometimes with her shady past, I really don’t know what to think anymore. Would she get mad at me if she knew this? Probably. Maybe I’m just paranoid, or just afraid. Am I not good enough? I am willing to sacrifice everything to be with this person. I told her that I believe that she is my soul mate and that when I love someone, I just don’t love them and then break up because I suddenly got bored. I love them wholeheartedly and I’m in it for the long run.
I realize I don’t really know where our relationship stands. At this point, all I know is that, if I will be ready to leave her, and finally move on, I don’t want her to regret what she had in me. I know I will also regret the fact that I will be leaving her but I know that whatever decision she makes, it will hurt me in the long run, and I need to move on from this, and from her.