I went to work last night not expecting anything. I knew it was going to be another long night, and I was hoping one of our alzheimer’s residents won’t get up in the middle of night trying to look for his car keys or his car for that matter.
I was glad to see a co-worker of mine (I am with-holding her name for her privacy) that I liked talking to from time to time because we are around the same age and I feel like I don’t really have a friend at work that I can talk to about stuff because I deal with elder people everyday, my other co-workers are over 40 or 50, and my boss intimidates the heck out of me. I felt like I can talk to her about anything under the sun. This sometimes explains the mornings where I don’t get out of work until 7:30 am instead of an hour earlier because when she works, we get into these long conversations.
Anyways after she gave me an update/report on our residents aka elder people (sidenote: I work as a caregiver at an assisted-living facility), somehow our conversation ended up to her telling me how she admitted to her husband that she was in a relationship with a woman before they dated. She said she has never admitted this to anyone besides her husband, and another co-worker of ours. I was surprised, because she didn’t seem the type to be attracted to a woman, and it seemed like she loved her husband. She said she does love her husband, but she said she knew that she was bisexual 3 years ago when she came out to her friends, but not her family because she knew they would freak out. And here I am thinking to myself, this situation sounds familiar to me. Why? Because I too am bisexual.
I always get ticked off when people often compare being bisexual and bicurious as two similar things. I am glad for having Merriam Webster online. I couldn’t find bicurious there since they are two joined words so I opted for Wikipedia. Bisexual or Bisexuality is defined as relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward both sexes. Bicurious is a term used to refer to someone who does not identify as bisexual or homosexual but feels or show some interest in a relationship or sexual activity with someone of the same sex. To explain it in plain english, you can’t be bisexual if you’re bicurious, because curious being the root word, you’re just curious. You want to try it, you want to feel it, you want to experience it. It’s like those women who has lesbian phases in college. They experiment by sleeping with a woman because they’re curious. I also know about these bicurious men, because of my best friend John who by the way is gay has encountered several of them. If you’re bisexual, you are emotionally, physically and sexually attracted to both sexes. We all have our preferences because in the end we do have to choose. I am physically and sexually attracted to men, but I am emotionally and physically attracted to women. So am I going to get married to a man or a woman? It really doesn’t matter, because in the end man or woman, it’s the person I see myself in the future with that I’m going to end up with.
So how did I know I bisexual? It’s a long story you see. But to make it short, I was 13 and I went to a private catholic school for girls in the Philippines. I was used to having boys around in my old elementary school so being in an all girls school was a bit of a shock, but when I got thrown into this mix of strict nuns, strict teachers, and the realization that the girls there have these so-called relationships, I got used to it. I got so used to it, that I finally had a girl crush! My first girl crush. But, sadly she wasn’t the one who made me realize my emotional connection with girls. I forgot about her the summer after that school year. Then I met her (again I won’t tell her name for private reasons). This story gets so old already but I always love telling it because it was the day I met my first love. This was also the time when I actually thought I was gay. Imagine a 14 year old girl freaking out because she thinks she’s actually a lesbian! It’s weird now that I think about it.
Anyways back to the story, (I promise I will get to that part when I realized I was bisexual). She walked into the classroom on the first day of school and I just couldn’t stop staring at her. It was like at first sight. I just thought she was the most beautiful thing that walked in the room and into my life. In the days that I got to know her, I realized that she was smart, funny and that the room lights up when she’s in it. It wasn’t until we got partnered into an activity after school that my heart started palpitating, my words stammered, and my palms sweat that I realized that I was in love. Soon after I realized I cannot get a word in everytime I wanted to talk to her. The back of my math notebook was filled with her name. I just cannot stop thinking about her. But my heart would be broken into pieces a few months later when a classmate of ours found my math notebook which I left under my desk by mistake and showed it to her. I don’t know if she freaked out about it or whatever but she avoided me after that. It got awkward between the two of us and the tauntings of our peers and classmates didn’t help out at all. I left for the United States after that school year and I never got to talk to her. Up until now I still don’t know what happened. I still blame my 14 year old self for leaving that notebook. I didn’t know what she felt, or if I did something wrong. There was no closure between us. And it pains me that until now, that 14 year old girl then is now the same 24 year old woman who still loves her, longs for her, and wants to be with her.
Of course I came to realize I was bisexual when I came to this country. I got attracted to guys in an instant. Not just the physical part but the sexual part as well. I dated a few, but I haven’t really met someone with an emotional attraction. Maybe because the guys here (well the few that I’ve met) only has three things in their minds. Sexy women, Sports and Sex. I haven’t met a man with a emotional or sensitive side to him. Sure I’ve met women but somehow I’m still attached to my first love. I feel like no other women can compare to her so up to now I haven’t dated any yet. Or maybe I’m just afraid to rejection because she rejected me. Or maybe I’m just too plain picky. It’s like no one, man or woman can compare to her. I guess I’m just afraid that once we get our closure, I can never love again. I’ve dated but I’ve never really fallen in love yet.
It’s funny because I have her number yet I don’t have to courage to call her or talk to her. I guess I’ll just wait until we meet again and talk to each other face to face. God I hope she doesn’t stumble upon this blog.
