My eyes are drooping and it feels like they’re not going to stay open for a while. I haven’t had a decent sleep in days. I close my eyes wondering if I’m ever going to get one. Then, I wake up 2 hours later and realize that the cycle repeats.
It really doesn’t help that I’m sick with a cold and my nose is running constantly. The weird feeling is, I don’t even feel sick. I just feel really, really tired, that’s all. It’s what I’ve been feeling these past few weeks. Tired. It doesn’t help when you think and worry about someone constantly. I’m such a worry-wart. I worry about the safety of the people I love and care about. And now there’s one more person I have to worry about. Who you ask? Read down below and you’ll find out more.
I didn’t realize that its been 4 long months since I wrote on this blog. Lots of stuff happened in my life. Summer of ‘08 was officially over, I turned a quarter of a century old, I became mother to two more six-week old kittens (again), I am now starting to like (and maybe even love) my job and did I mention that I finally fell in love? Such a weird feeling, love. How can a simple word turn out to be such a complication? I didn’t really choose to be in love, I guess it chose me at the right place in the wrong time. But I guess its true when they say, “Love comes when you least expect it.”
Let’s rewind back to August when I last blogged. I don’t even remember what I blogged about that day. Oh, the youtube madness? It’s over. My best friend John and I are so busy now we don’t even have time to shoot or make movies anymore. I kinda miss it since that was the only time we bonded. So, summer was officially over and I just realized that I did nothing but sit on my ass all summer long. Mostly all I did was sleep, eat, work, relax a little and then the process repeats. Kinda boring but I got busy because of work. Well part of my summer was exciting at least when we all took a trip up north to Door county back in June for my Mom and Dad’s 25th wedding anniversary.
I officially lost John temporarily when September rolled around as school started for college kids everywhere. He’s a nursing student you see, and being a college student sucks the life out of you. I don’t even know how those other college kids party on the weekends and then go back to school Monday mornings like nothing happened. Your social life becomes kaput and you’re just stuck reading, reviewing, studying etc. That’s basically what happened to him. And it didn’t help that he was only home on the weekends and we don’t see each other much. I missed him, and it was taking a toll on me. Then my birthday came around. It was the only thing I was looking forward to all month because I was celebrating my golden birthday. Turning 25 isn’t so bad, but when I think about all the stuff that I’ve been through all these years, I kinda got freaked out because turning 25 means the beginning of your late 20’s which will lead to turning 30. Gulp! To explain what having a golden birthday means, it is when the day of your birthday and the age that you’re turning are the same. So I turned 25 on the 25th of September. A friend of mine told me that when you celebrate your golden birthday, your whole entire year after will be a good one. So far, it’s turning out to be a good one. I just hope it stays that way until September 2009.
October was a blur. I was actually starting to like my job because around Mid-September, one of my co-workers that I had a strong dislike because of the way she treats the residents/elders had quit because she found a job closer to her home. Long story short, she quit because she drives 20 minutes to work everyday and with the price of gas back then, she couldn’t afford it. If you read back, from a previous entry I blogged about another co-worker who admitted to me that she was bisexual, remember that one? The one that I chose not to name because of her privacy? Well, let’s name her E.
E took over the AM shift and she became full-time. I rarely see her before because she would work the PM shift and be gone by 7 and I’ll come at 10:30 to start my shift. It was a rare occasion that we worked on the same days together but when it happens, we like to catch up on things. And when she got transferred to the AM shift, we saw each other almost everyday. I got to know her a little better and things at work was becoming more pleasant, and relaxing. Gone was the tension and bitchiness and everyone was happier, including me. I would stay after just to help her out, and soon enough we started to become close friends. She trusted me with her problems and I trusted her with mine. She met my family soon enough when she came over my house one day to hang out. I even invited her to my birthday where she met John and the rest of my other friends. I clearly remember that night. It was her first time trying Japanese food and it was funny to see how she handled the chopsticks. It didn’t help that a soy sauce stain went on her pink shirt. I learned to know how pink was her favorite color, she was devastated when she lost her baby in a miscarriage, and that she was moving closer to our workplace so she doesn’t have to drive in the snow during the cold winter months.
My sister told me a couple weeks back, “You wanted to test the water before you swam in it, but you fell in way too deep”. I did fall for E alright. Hard, and fast. I found myself liking her more than a friend, and being happy for the first time in a long time. Surprisingly, I found myself liking to be at work longer which was unexpected since before I couldn’t wait to get out of there just so I can come home, be with my cats and sleep all day. I’ve kept this feeling hidden up until the last week of October, when I finally admitted it to her personally (which was painstakingly embarrassing to say the least) that I indeed liked her more than a friend. Her reaction surprised me because the last time I told someone I liked them, they ignored me and never talked to me again.
I couldn’t believe that she felt the same way. I’m not really the greatest thing that you could look at but she said not only does she like me, she also respects me. After that day, we’ve been inseperable since. I know its hard for people to understand, and my sisters and John didn’t understand at first but we are friends, first and foremost. The only difference is that we like each other. Scratch that. Love each other more than friends that is. We have a weird relationship, she and I. We’ve had a couple of fights and argued about the stupidest things, but this much I know is true. I’ve never loved someone like I love her now. She really does make my heart smile. She is the reason I don’t sleep much because I worry about her a lot.
You might say, why fall for a married woman? The answer is, I really don’t know. She asked me that question one day, you know. She’s like, “why do you love me so much?” I couldn’t answer her. I really don’t know the answer. I just do. How many bisexual people do you know, man or woman, who isn’t married or committed? Zero. I might cry, get sad or get hurt so many times but I know that losing her in my life will be the biggest pain I’ll ever experience. Friend or not, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that day when I have to make that choice. That’s why even though I don’t want to think about the future, I find myself thinking ahead. How hypocritical of me considering I had told John that I’d rather live for the present than think of the future.
I don’t really know what the future holds for me, but I’m getting older and I still want to do a lot of things in my life. I feel like my life is on hold and all I can do is just sit and wait for it to get better. I look at my old classmates in high school and most of them are either college graduates, successful in their chosen careers, or are married and have families of their own. I shouldn’t feel jealous but in a way I do. But I know someday my time will come, but until then I’ll just live my life for now, just like I always did. I’ll be happy and content with what I have right now because I might not have a husband or a college degree but then I realize that I have a steady job, a loving family, wonderful friends and someone who loves me for me.
