I’ve been trying to get down,
To the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter,
But I think it’s about forgiveness, forgiveness,
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.
When you go on a road trip, there will be a lot of road blocks along the way. It’s the same way in the journey we call life, we go through personal thorns and roadblocks that sometimes put our lives on hold that disables us to do the normal things we do everyday. Yesterday proved to be a very emotional roadblock for me. I kinda tend to over think a lot of things, and I end up either being too emotional about it, or sometimes dragged down with a heavy heart. I was so emotional, I was almost in tears.
When the past comes back to haunt you, it hits you, and it hits you hard. I don’t remember where I heard that saying but it made sense yesterday. My ex-girlfriend who is now my best friend E, who I happened to write about in one of my past blog entries here, has said some things that triggered my past with her, and how much she had hurt me before. I guess I never really talked about how things ended the way they are now. Others who I have confided in about us often ask me how I can become best friends with her because of the way she had treat me and hurt me before. I can’t even answer that question to tell you honestly, things just happened the way they were I guess.
It was spring of 2009 when we decided we’d just stay friends. I really didn’t want to call it a break up because we didn’t have a label for the relationship we had. But I considered her my girlfriend because I loved her, even though she was married. That day was any other day, I was going to come over to her house to hang out, but before I came over she texted me saying that she needed to tell me something important. I shrugged it off thinking it wasn’t anything important. She sat me down, and told me she wanted to show me something. She sat next to me and pulled out a pregnancy test that said it was positive. I was surprised, but I knew that a couple weeks before that she has been suspecting that she was pregnant. I got scared, and a million questions ran through my head. I thought, is this really it? Am I going to have to avoid her because she’s having a baby? Are we over? I knew right then and there I had to make a decision. We both got quiet and I told her that I’m happy for her because this is what she has wanted in a long time. She broke down in tears, and told me that she doesn’t want me to leave her, and she wanted me to be there for her during her pregnancy. She needed me. I was stuck in a situation I didn’t want to be in. I told her a few months before that during our happy times that if she does get pregnant that that was the last straw. She won’t hurt me anymore after that and I was going to avoid her. She has hurt me so many times that I couldn’t even count anymore.
Her tears moved me. She was sobbing so hard, and has said that she was scared. She went through a miscarriage before this second pregnancy and she didn’t have anyone. She has been an emotional wreck and was down the past year and that going through it alone will be difficult for her. I told her that she had her husband, and her family, why did she need me? She said that next to her husband, I was the second most important person in her life. Right then and there, I decided to make a decision. I calmed her down, held her hand and told her that I’ll stay. I kissed her on the forehead. I stayed even when I knew right then and there we can’t continue what we had before. I stayed not just because she needed me, but I realized not having her in my life would hurt me even more.
Those nine months were tough. I was at the point where I was ready to quit, but I stuck through. She now has a beautiful baby boy named Cristopher. When he came to both our lives, all the pain, the hurt, it was all gone. And what bloomed was a friendship which I now treasure and will treasure for the rest of my life. I forgave her for all the things she did to me in the past, and instead, focused on being her best friend and being there for her. At times I admit, I still treat her like a princess, and comes to her rescue when she needs me. She told me that I didn’t have to do it but I do it because I want to, not because I need to.
So why are all of these things related to my emotional relapse yesterday? I wouldn’t go into details but what she told me brought back all the bad memories. The hurt, the pain, the anger, the fights, the drama came flooding back into my life. I went to bed almost in tears. I felt my heart sink down to the floor. I realized that I haven’t gotten over all the things that has happened to us in the past. It’s really hard when you love someone and they don’t love you the same anymore. I deal with it everyday but I know my feelings will drift away soon when I find someone else. I’m just afraid that when I do, I will always compare them to her. I know she brags about it sometimes but no one does compare to her. They might come close but I know it’s going to feel different. I couldn’t concentrate, I didn’t get to workout that night, and I didn’t want to go to work. I talked to my sister and she made me feel better but I felt like I needed to confront E about it.
She understood where I was coming from even though I didn’t really know what she was thinking at that point because we were texting. I didn’t blame her, and I told her that the last thing I wanted to do was to take a break and not be friends anymore. Was she crazy? She is my best friend. And losing your best friend is like losing a pet, a family member, or worse, losing an arm or a leg. She was that important in my life that I wouldn’t be able to bear it. Losing her would make my life empty. And I want to be a part of Cristopher’s life. Who wouldn’t want to be? He is adorable, and I love him, just like I love his mommy. Instead of moping about it, I gave a sigh of relief and I was back to my normal self when I got home this morning.
I think the point of this whole story is about forgiveness, and if I can sum it up with a final quote, its “Genuine forgiveness doesn’t deny anger, it faces it head-on.” The reason I put all of the past behind is because I forgave her a long time ago and I didn’t want to think about it anymore, because I know that when I do, it’ll remind me everyday that all I have for her now is unrequited love and I want to let go of these feelings because I know it will be better for me and her in the long run and I don’t want to hate her because of it.
